Musings...

So I read my journal from 1999 today. What a trip. I was such a different person back then. I didn't cuss, I wasn't into women, and I didn't play guitar. I was all into starwars and chilling with the family, my dog, karate, and soccer. It was all about finishing school and enjoying life after I got out. I never thought I'd say I miss the good ol days...but I kinda miss that mentality.

I then read a few other entries from various years and got to see how I have morphed and how terrible it is. I went from girl to girl 'in love' and just bounced around. I can't help but wonder if that's where I'm at now with Krista. Maybe I fall far to easy and I'm to stuck in my ways to think it's anything else. I mean, I can count the ppl I've REALLY liked on just one hand. Megan, Cybil, Jess, Jade, Krista...

So I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I'm not who I used to be. I used to LOVE life all the time, and I used to always have drive and a dream, and goals, and thrived under pressure. Unfortunately life just died. WHEN I'm put into the situations where I need to do well I still rise to the top and I'm still fantastic in the clutch situations and I LOVE life then. On the outside I'm still who I used to be, but on the inside I'm not. And that's who I'm stuck with at all times so I'm going to try to get back to where I was.

I'm going to try to focus more on loving God and listening to him and just going with his will. I have friends that are fantastics all over the world and I'm thankful for that. I have an amazing job, and I have some skill with music (tho that's leaving me quickly cause I've lost my spark my creativity) and I'm a nice guy, just hard to get to open up. I have problems with conversation inless if I HAVE to talk, and I analise far to much. I'm not anywhere near perfect and I doubt I ever will be, but I have a goal and I can strive for it.

God help me, I'm going to try to become who I used to be. That fun loving kid of 1999 and try to go back to the 'easy' days. Cause as it is right now, I don't see how I can survive for the next 60-80 years in this state of mind. I'm at the point where I may very well pick everything up and just leave. Something drastic may be needed...but maybe it'll help.

Music isn't out of the picture, far from it. It's still number one, but I'm going to have to shape up and figure it out before I go anywhere cause at this point I only have a handful of songs I deam worthy of being sent out.

So we'll see how this goes...I'm off to take a shower and hang out with my dog. and pray that my brother nick surives his pills that he took...as my mom is rushing to the emergency room... God bless you all