Fighting through sickness or health...

Yeah so it's been a while. I've been working and fighting a cold -_- and making money gambling :D I've come to the conclusion that I wasted the last 2.5 years of my life with jade. I mean, she wont' even be my friend anymore. I put time and effort into that relationship and she just throws it away. Pisses me off to no end, but hey, at least I know her true colors and never married her. God help who does marry her. If anyone can make it that long with her ^_^ but I still pray for her and everyone that I don't like. I'm trying to be a better person so it's what I have to do.

I've found lots of new music that I love and a concert on the 30th of next month in s/f will be the perfect end to summer. I'm nervous about school and going back, but I have some killer friends up there, and I'll be living with some fun people so it'll be fun. And I'll be productive with mathematics and music. I have to get ready to take the GRE's so I can apply to vet school...since I haven't studied for the MCAT I have to get my vet degree then go to a school that takes vet ppl to become a human dr.

And yet, I have to start getting this music thing down. I'm good at guitar, but lyrics have left me. I have to get that fixed and start recording. This is my year...2010...I'll be finishing up my first full record/demo and start sending it out before may...and have my BS in mathematics by may, hopefully be accepted into vet schools and/or grad schools...life is looking up despite the loss of 2 years.

I'm too busy for love. I may have time for it in the future...but right now...I have to much to focus on and to much to do. I have the best of friends to give me company, I don't need anything sexual, and so...my life shall go on and I shall focus on what needs to be finished... there ain't no reason things are this way... I can't explain why I live this way, we do it everyday...

L.O.V.E.

Well today was a really really good day. I chilled with my whole family bowling, and then pool with my dad. Then eating and gambling with christian. I'm still 60 up for the last few days...so all is well even if I lost 40 today.

I'm still fighting this cold/sore throat thing. not a big fan of that...but all is well. I'm going to sleep now I think.

I can't wait for life to really start.

just shut up and put your money where your mouth is...

It's like I'm always whining. It's irritating. I couldn't get Jade Coppel off my mind today for some flipping reason and I was VERY close to texting her and apologizing and seeing if I could make amends. Finally my pride has taken hold and I didn't. Why should I be the one always apologizing?! Sure I'm wrong alot of the time...but so is everyone else. No one is perfect...and certainly not that self-centered woman.

She was always claiming I couldn't keep my promisises and how I was always lying. Sure I didn't keep a few...but she failed to keep ANY of her important ones. Always be there, my ass, try to be friends, my ass, never give up...my ass...

WHY is it that I tend to focus ont he good with that? I can only focus on the great things she did, and I seem to forget how she was really mean alot of the time. I can't focus on how she broke up with me on v-day, or how she was pushy with things, and how she always making me feel like shit, or even how bad the sex was...

I'm 100% convinced that sex is what fucked us over. Without that none of this shit would have happened, and I didn't want to have sex. But she guilt tripped me into it. I should have known then. Such is life though.

I just want to know why....is that so much to ask/want?

I'm going to go eat now. that should help.

it's 1:101...

And I just recently woke up. I have a feeling that today is going to be a really good day. Don't ask me why I think this, but I'm almost positive of it. Logically I shouldn't be so sure of this because my body is in pain (due to my knee being all screwed over) and I don't really have anything exciting to look forward too...but I just woke up really happy. That in and of itself is exciting because I've been struggling to do that for quite a while now. I had good dreams...and having good dreams mean I've been in a good state of mind.

I went to reno yesterday/today. It was really fun. I got to gamble in a bigger casino...though I still prefer Tahoe. I made 40 bucks though so can't complain. But in all reality it wasn't just the casinos I enjoyed, I loved the drive and chilling with Christian, talking to other people, meeting the random people, walking around, being thrown into my childhood yet again. I found myself in such a state of deja vu that I could have sworn I had been in Circus Circus before for a karate tournment when I was like 8.

This last year has been SUCH a crazy year. I've grown up SO much and matured and changed that I'm basically a brand new person. I've gone off and lived bymself and made a whole new slew of friends. I've become less and less shy, slowly shapping myself into who I have always seen myself becoming. Learning more and more about mathematics and science and realizing I really don't know much at all. The saying the more you know, the less smart you think you are is proving to be very true in my life.

I'm kinda scared, but I'm really excited for the next 10 months. I have 10 months and I'll have my BS in Mathematics. Then what...?! Do I come back to tahoe and get stuck here or do I go somewhere...? That's something I'm really going to have to start thinking about soon, because I need to start making plans. At least focusing on something if I can't set something in stone.

As for my personal life, it's going well. It's not fantastic, but it's going. I miss Jakob, Joseph, and Dolan alot. I'm looking forward to seeing Spencer and Katy again too. But I have no love intrest and this scares me. I tend to fall for people FAR to easy and FAR to hard. So it's going to be interesting this year up at Humboldt. But I'm glad that I'm over Jade and Krista. It's taken me long enough for both of them. Jade I dated for 2 years and Krista i've liked on and off for 3 years.

So the future is coming, and I'm excited/scared. But really, what's the point of all this? I've been thinking alot about that lately. Everyone lives and eats and trys to be happy, but what is the point? Even if you're 'successfull' whats the point? You either become a legend or you're forgotten. So why can't I just go to heaven now? I'm not suicidal, far from it, I just want to do something worth while with my time. I HATE being un productive. That's my main concern in life...what's considered productive in the long run?

Interesting...

is it not?

Emotions always fly through weird whims with me. I was down last night due to seeing jade with a guy...and then up cause I got to see lea and brit and kate, and then down cause harry potter sucked...and then back again...

And today I talked to krista for the first time since the letter...and I'm not into her anymore...oddly enough...so I don't know what to think anymore...

I have no crush...no like...no nothing anymore...

and I miss my buddies over seas, and joseph...

but...life will go on...and music is a very large part of it again...the end.

international...

Lea's dad died today...god bless his soul and god help lea...pray for her yes...

So quick post today...work was fun and busy...I work again in 6 hours -_- then I gambled and made 40...and then I got invited to an international party. Let me tell you...I think internationals are so much cooler than americans...they know how to party and dance...bad assness! I think I'm destined to be something bigger than just a 9-5 job or even a dr because I always get these bad ass ppl drawn to me...and I don't even know how. I got to meet marco today...and he's been playing guitar for 11 years...so we got the numbers and now we're going to chill...and when I go over seas next year I'm going to get to go chill at his place and he's going to throw a fat party.

I also listened to I Nine today...very good band...

Jade still haunts me...like a ghost in the wind...always there but never fully visulized... Logically there is NO reason I should even care anymore...but the heart isn't logical is it...? -sighs- Morals suck...Love sucks...and it all just gets me down at times. But Like I told lea today...Love IS what makes the world go round...so Love with all you can and you'll experiance the world to it's fullest...so I'll never stop. I just realize it sucks not knowing who you're loving... -sighs- and then getting tricked and what you really love isn't there...so what then? ^_^

Love Reign O'er Me...

What a fantastic day...

Today was the best day of the summer so far. Well...second best probably...right behind the day I got to go jet skiing and play a really good soccer game. But it was brilliant. Got to chill with Ev, Lea, and Emma (ev's cousin) at the beach, then go to lea's and then go to carson and watch I love you Beth Cooper. (lots of thoughts on that) Then in and out and back to truckee to drop emma off.

Really really great day...but the movie really made me think. It was just like my summer with my note to Krista about how I've liked her and how she's a fantastic person. Though he ended up getting the girl to a degree...I haven't gotten anything...but it's life. I know some people aren't ready for a relationship...and I'm surely not ready at this point...so it's probably best nothing happened. There's always tomorrow...and if it's meant to happen...then God will direct our paths into each others. Otherwise...he has something else in store for me. I'm learning to lean more and more upon his guide and to believe he knows best. I listened about Jade and I now see that he was right...though I'm bitter...I'm slowly getting to the point where I'm praying for her to find the perfect guy for her and to have all her health problems solved. So I know in the long run, whatever happens happens for a reason and God will have his hand directing my life.

And the best part of it all? It all ends, and then I'll be in heaven playing music 24/7 for the rest of eternity to the Lord of the Universe. You have any idea how exciting that is? The music is going to be the best music you have ever heard in your life because everything is perfect there...I can hardly wait at times...but then I have alot I need to do here too...so I have passion...and I have desire...

Life is going good...

progress...

It's when I'm alone, that the feelings spill out,
Left with this pen and page, writing things that wont' be achieved,
Lost in the tears I cried, Not content to end with saying I tried,
No...not content to say I tried,

So I dance with the whisper of your name,
it'll never ever ever ever be the same...
It's just a ghost that haunts, my very eyes,
Just the ghost of you, of you and I~
Just a ghost of what was left inside...

Then I realized I fell in love with a girl,
fell in love with a girl who was never really there,
she wore a mask pretending to care,
and now I'm alone with a ghost of who was never there...

We sing hallelujah...

Yesterday was a failure. I managed to get basically nothing done. I failed at blackjack, I failed at meeting ppl...and I didn't get to chill with anyone because they bailed on me. Such is life in tahoe though.

I did get to go on a huge bike ride though...so that was really fun. And I got to talk to alot of people about life in the afternoon so I enjoyed that. Realized conversation really isn't all that difficult and it's enjoyable if you get someone who's good at talking too.

Then I had dreams that tore me down and haunt me like a whisper in the wind. I can't quite remember what they were, I just know they were terrible and that they put me in a really bad state of mind. But then I went back to bed praying...and I got to dream about skiing and I loved it.

Then I got up and talked to Christina my good friend, and Michelle my other real good friend. Put on some taylor swift...and flip my frown to a smile. It's coming up on 11 and I think I'm going to go out and look for a new guitar. Go to starbucks get some coffee...and just walk around and watch some ppl up in this town called South Lake. Maybe I'll pretend to be a tourist up here for the next few days...act my way through the day. I don't know yet...all I know is that I LOVE being bipolar.

I experiance all forms of emotion and in huge swings. So God bless you all, and I sure hope today turns out okay...

Musings...

So I read my journal from 1999 today. What a trip. I was such a different person back then. I didn't cuss, I wasn't into women, and I didn't play guitar. I was all into starwars and chilling with the family, my dog, karate, and soccer. It was all about finishing school and enjoying life after I got out. I never thought I'd say I miss the good ol days...but I kinda miss that mentality.

I then read a few other entries from various years and got to see how I have morphed and how terrible it is. I went from girl to girl 'in love' and just bounced around. I can't help but wonder if that's where I'm at now with Krista. Maybe I fall far to easy and I'm to stuck in my ways to think it's anything else. I mean, I can count the ppl I've REALLY liked on just one hand. Megan, Cybil, Jess, Jade, Krista...

So I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I'm not who I used to be. I used to LOVE life all the time, and I used to always have drive and a dream, and goals, and thrived under pressure. Unfortunately life just died. WHEN I'm put into the situations where I need to do well I still rise to the top and I'm still fantastic in the clutch situations and I LOVE life then. On the outside I'm still who I used to be, but on the inside I'm not. And that's who I'm stuck with at all times so I'm going to try to get back to where I was.

I'm going to try to focus more on loving God and listening to him and just going with his will. I have friends that are fantastics all over the world and I'm thankful for that. I have an amazing job, and I have some skill with music (tho that's leaving me quickly cause I've lost my spark my creativity) and I'm a nice guy, just hard to get to open up. I have problems with conversation inless if I HAVE to talk, and I analise far to much. I'm not anywhere near perfect and I doubt I ever will be, but I have a goal and I can strive for it.

God help me, I'm going to try to become who I used to be. That fun loving kid of 1999 and try to go back to the 'easy' days. Cause as it is right now, I don't see how I can survive for the next 60-80 years in this state of mind. I'm at the point where I may very well pick everything up and just leave. Something drastic may be needed...but maybe it'll help.

Music isn't out of the picture, far from it. It's still number one, but I'm going to have to shape up and figure it out before I go anywhere cause at this point I only have a handful of songs I deam worthy of being sent out.

So we'll see how this goes...I'm off to take a shower and hang out with my dog. and pray that my brother nick surives his pills that he took...as my mom is rushing to the emergency room... God bless you all