Full Intentions

So, I had every intention of coming home and writing a blog full of complaining and venting and hating upon ppl, society, and myself. Then on the drive home I really started thinking about what I was going to write about and I realized that there really wasn't a specific person I could hate upon or a person that I could direct my fury upon. It's just life.

Yes, I may not be happy with it, but it's not my fault. I just have to learn how to accept. Acceptance is something I'm not good at. Not when it comes to myself. Never when it comes to myself.

Firstly, I have to accept that who I am with what I've accomplished. I don't have anything to really 'brag' about that will impress people. For example, if mentioned that I have a Bachelors in Mathematics, that's met with a bit of silence, while if other people mention certificates that they've received they get a much more jovial response. I don't really find it fair, but it's life.

Secondly, I have to come to accept that I'm very much like the center of a wheel as apposed to the spoke. I suppose there isn't anything wrong with this, it's just disappointing. I always seem to be introducing people and something special comes out of it. It just never happens to me, and perhaps it's jealously, but it is what it is.

I think that a lot of whom I am most people don't understand. Before you go off on me about being emo I digress. If you know who I am, you know I'm one of the happiest people alive at most times. It's just that I tend to be interested in things that the general population not only doesn't understand but doesn't like. Just look at the Mathematics side of things. Bring up math and you get lots of reactions but most are anything near to joy. Yet math is a crucial part of my life. Then in America, soccer is much the same way. So two of my three passions in life tend to be misunderstood. Add on top of this the fact that I don't watch TV or movies really, and I'm a bit weird and most people really don't understand me. Maybe this is why I am shy? Maybe this is why I don't make conversation? I love making conversation if it's something I know about, but lots of people like talking movies or TV shows or Football (American) ect ect...and I know next to nothing about those, so I don't like meeting new people.

So maybe that's why I find it hard to make friends? Or to find that special someone? I don't know. There is that special someone I know right now, but I really don't know if I should ask. Another thing right there, I think far to much. But alas...such is life.

Another thing. I think I consider friendships to be something deeper than they tend to be. I'm not sure how to explain it properly, but once I get close to you I will never turn my back, no matter what you do to me. I will always be there for you. Yet I don't know how many friends I have of the same caliber. I don't even know if I have any that reach that caliber. No, I know I have a few, but I would literally do it for any of my friends.

But alas, I must try to sleep. It is 4 am and I need to get up tomorrow. Maybe this will all make more sense in the morning? Till then...I leave you with the words of Scene Aesthetic... "walking on my way paradise. cause i know there's nothing left for me right here"

Song of the Ages

Sometimes we fall down and can't get back up

We're hiding behind skin that's too tough

How come we don't say I love you enough

Till it's too late, it's not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come

We could make a feast from these crumbs

And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun

So if your life flashed before you, what would you wish you would've done it…

[Chorus]

Yeah, gotta start

Looking at the hand of the time we've been given here

This is all we got and we gotta start thinkin' it

Every second counts on a clock that's tickin'

Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86 400 seconds in a day

To turn it all around or throw it all away

We gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say,

Gotta live like we're dying

And if you plane fell out of the skies

Who would you call with your last goodbyes

Should be so careful who we live out of our lives

So when we long for absolution, there'll be no one on the line

You never know a good thing until it's gone

You never see a crash until it's head on

All these people right when we're dead wrong,

You never know a good thing till it's gone

-Kris Allen

This song is brilliant. Hands down, top 3 songs lyrically that I have ever heard. But it’s really got me to stop and think about everything. Just listen to the song and try to answer the questions that he poses towards you. It has single handedly inspired me to actually start living the way I have been striving too. So I’m going to break the song down for how it touches me. Of course you could look at the song as if it’s a love song, but I’m not going to touch that. It’s a bit cliché and it’s not how it really struck me.

“Sometimes we fall down and can't get back up

We're hiding behind skin that's too tough

How come we don't say I love you enough

Till it's too late, it's not too late”

--This totally applies to my soccer endeavors currently. Not just the fact that I didn’t make the Galaxy but the fact that I let myself slip out of prime shape and had to pull myself back up to get into shape. That very last line is giving hope that it is never to late to change anything.

“Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come

We could make a feast from these crumbs

And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun

So if your life flashed before you, what would you wish you would've done it…”

--I take this as a personal strike against daydreaming. It’s great to daydream, but sometimes you have to just look up and realize what you have is fantastic and you can make something even better out of what you already currently have. Sometimes we’re really just committing our own suicide with life in general. We’re too busy scared to take a chance and yet if everything flashed before your eyes wouldn’t you regret not doing it? Be it asking that girl on a date, or going for that soccer tryout, or recording that demo disk. Go for it and don’t hinder yourself.

“And if you plane fell out of the skies

Who would you call with your last goodbyes

Should be so careful who we live out of our lives

So when we long for absolution, there'll be no one on the line”

--This is totally showing that you should NEVER take someone for granted and that you need to tell him or her what they mean to you. No one’s going to be perfect but they can still mean the world to you.

“You never know a good thing until it's gone

You never see a crash until it's head on

All these people right when we're dead wrong,

You never know a good thing till it's gone”

--This is really cliché but very true. Humans in general just assume everything is going to go their way, and get melancholy with everything. Then something sudden happens and takes that all away. You really must never get lazy with life, and should enjoy every moment. It’s all a gift from God after all.

“[Chorus]

Yeah, gotta start

Looking at the hand of the time we've been given here

This is all we got and we gotta start thinkin' it

Every second counts on a clock that's tickin'

Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86 400 seconds in a day

To turn it all around or throw it all away

We gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say,

Gotta live like we're dying”

--This is really quite a brilliant chorus. Written the way a chorus is supposed. It backs up ALL previous ideas without repeating exact wording. I have to admit it’s sums everything up perfectly.

I think this song may go down as my theme song for my life now. I’m going to strive to always remember this and live the way he suggests. I have much more I could write, but I work in 6 hours and need sleep so I may add more later J

~Chris

Fighting through sickness or health...

Yeah so it's been a while. I've been working and fighting a cold -_- and making money gambling :D I've come to the conclusion that I wasted the last 2.5 years of my life with jade. I mean, she wont' even be my friend anymore. I put time and effort into that relationship and she just throws it away. Pisses me off to no end, but hey, at least I know her true colors and never married her. God help who does marry her. If anyone can make it that long with her ^_^ but I still pray for her and everyone that I don't like. I'm trying to be a better person so it's what I have to do.

I've found lots of new music that I love and a concert on the 30th of next month in s/f will be the perfect end to summer. I'm nervous about school and going back, but I have some killer friends up there, and I'll be living with some fun people so it'll be fun. And I'll be productive with mathematics and music. I have to get ready to take the GRE's so I can apply to vet school...since I haven't studied for the MCAT I have to get my vet degree then go to a school that takes vet ppl to become a human dr.

And yet, I have to start getting this music thing down. I'm good at guitar, but lyrics have left me. I have to get that fixed and start recording. This is my year...2010...I'll be finishing up my first full record/demo and start sending it out before may...and have my BS in mathematics by may, hopefully be accepted into vet schools and/or grad schools...life is looking up despite the loss of 2 years.

I'm too busy for love. I may have time for it in the future...but right now...I have to much to focus on and to much to do. I have the best of friends to give me company, I don't need anything sexual, and so...my life shall go on and I shall focus on what needs to be finished... there ain't no reason things are this way... I can't explain why I live this way, we do it everyday...

L.O.V.E.

Well today was a really really good day. I chilled with my whole family bowling, and then pool with my dad. Then eating and gambling with christian. I'm still 60 up for the last few days...so all is well even if I lost 40 today.

I'm still fighting this cold/sore throat thing. not a big fan of that...but all is well. I'm going to sleep now I think.

I can't wait for life to really start.

just shut up and put your money where your mouth is...

It's like I'm always whining. It's irritating. I couldn't get Jade Coppel off my mind today for some flipping reason and I was VERY close to texting her and apologizing and seeing if I could make amends. Finally my pride has taken hold and I didn't. Why should I be the one always apologizing?! Sure I'm wrong alot of the time...but so is everyone else. No one is perfect...and certainly not that self-centered woman.

She was always claiming I couldn't keep my promisises and how I was always lying. Sure I didn't keep a few...but she failed to keep ANY of her important ones. Always be there, my ass, try to be friends, my ass, never give up...my ass...

WHY is it that I tend to focus ont he good with that? I can only focus on the great things she did, and I seem to forget how she was really mean alot of the time. I can't focus on how she broke up with me on v-day, or how she was pushy with things, and how she always making me feel like shit, or even how bad the sex was...

I'm 100% convinced that sex is what fucked us over. Without that none of this shit would have happened, and I didn't want to have sex. But she guilt tripped me into it. I should have known then. Such is life though.

I just want to know why....is that so much to ask/want?

I'm going to go eat now. that should help.

it's 1:101...

And I just recently woke up. I have a feeling that today is going to be a really good day. Don't ask me why I think this, but I'm almost positive of it. Logically I shouldn't be so sure of this because my body is in pain (due to my knee being all screwed over) and I don't really have anything exciting to look forward too...but I just woke up really happy. That in and of itself is exciting because I've been struggling to do that for quite a while now. I had good dreams...and having good dreams mean I've been in a good state of mind.

I went to reno yesterday/today. It was really fun. I got to gamble in a bigger casino...though I still prefer Tahoe. I made 40 bucks though so can't complain. But in all reality it wasn't just the casinos I enjoyed, I loved the drive and chilling with Christian, talking to other people, meeting the random people, walking around, being thrown into my childhood yet again. I found myself in such a state of deja vu that I could have sworn I had been in Circus Circus before for a karate tournment when I was like 8.

This last year has been SUCH a crazy year. I've grown up SO much and matured and changed that I'm basically a brand new person. I've gone off and lived bymself and made a whole new slew of friends. I've become less and less shy, slowly shapping myself into who I have always seen myself becoming. Learning more and more about mathematics and science and realizing I really don't know much at all. The saying the more you know, the less smart you think you are is proving to be very true in my life.

I'm kinda scared, but I'm really excited for the next 10 months. I have 10 months and I'll have my BS in Mathematics. Then what...?! Do I come back to tahoe and get stuck here or do I go somewhere...? That's something I'm really going to have to start thinking about soon, because I need to start making plans. At least focusing on something if I can't set something in stone.

As for my personal life, it's going well. It's not fantastic, but it's going. I miss Jakob, Joseph, and Dolan alot. I'm looking forward to seeing Spencer and Katy again too. But I have no love intrest and this scares me. I tend to fall for people FAR to easy and FAR to hard. So it's going to be interesting this year up at Humboldt. But I'm glad that I'm over Jade and Krista. It's taken me long enough for both of them. Jade I dated for 2 years and Krista i've liked on and off for 3 years.

So the future is coming, and I'm excited/scared. But really, what's the point of all this? I've been thinking alot about that lately. Everyone lives and eats and trys to be happy, but what is the point? Even if you're 'successfull' whats the point? You either become a legend or you're forgotten. So why can't I just go to heaven now? I'm not suicidal, far from it, I just want to do something worth while with my time. I HATE being un productive. That's my main concern in life...what's considered productive in the long run?

Interesting...

is it not?

Emotions always fly through weird whims with me. I was down last night due to seeing jade with a guy...and then up cause I got to see lea and brit and kate, and then down cause harry potter sucked...and then back again...

And today I talked to krista for the first time since the letter...and I'm not into her anymore...oddly enough...so I don't know what to think anymore...

I have no crush...no like...no nothing anymore...

and I miss my buddies over seas, and joseph...

but...life will go on...and music is a very large part of it again...the end.