Full Intentions

So, I had every intention of coming home and writing a blog full of complaining and venting and hating upon ppl, society, and myself. Then on the drive home I really started thinking about what I was going to write about and I realized that there really wasn't a specific person I could hate upon or a person that I could direct my fury upon. It's just life.

Yes, I may not be happy with it, but it's not my fault. I just have to learn how to accept. Acceptance is something I'm not good at. Not when it comes to myself. Never when it comes to myself.

Firstly, I have to accept that who I am with what I've accomplished. I don't have anything to really 'brag' about that will impress people. For example, if mentioned that I have a Bachelors in Mathematics, that's met with a bit of silence, while if other people mention certificates that they've received they get a much more jovial response. I don't really find it fair, but it's life.

Secondly, I have to come to accept that I'm very much like the center of a wheel as apposed to the spoke. I suppose there isn't anything wrong with this, it's just disappointing. I always seem to be introducing people and something special comes out of it. It just never happens to me, and perhaps it's jealously, but it is what it is.

I think that a lot of whom I am most people don't understand. Before you go off on me about being emo I digress. If you know who I am, you know I'm one of the happiest people alive at most times. It's just that I tend to be interested in things that the general population not only doesn't understand but doesn't like. Just look at the Mathematics side of things. Bring up math and you get lots of reactions but most are anything near to joy. Yet math is a crucial part of my life. Then in America, soccer is much the same way. So two of my three passions in life tend to be misunderstood. Add on top of this the fact that I don't watch TV or movies really, and I'm a bit weird and most people really don't understand me. Maybe this is why I am shy? Maybe this is why I don't make conversation? I love making conversation if it's something I know about, but lots of people like talking movies or TV shows or Football (American) ect ect...and I know next to nothing about those, so I don't like meeting new people.

So maybe that's why I find it hard to make friends? Or to find that special someone? I don't know. There is that special someone I know right now, but I really don't know if I should ask. Another thing right there, I think far to much. But alas...such is life.

Another thing. I think I consider friendships to be something deeper than they tend to be. I'm not sure how to explain it properly, but once I get close to you I will never turn my back, no matter what you do to me. I will always be there for you. Yet I don't know how many friends I have of the same caliber. I don't even know if I have any that reach that caliber. No, I know I have a few, but I would literally do it for any of my friends.

But alas, I must try to sleep. It is 4 am and I need to get up tomorrow. Maybe this will all make more sense in the morning? Till then...I leave you with the words of Scene Aesthetic... "walking on my way paradise. cause i know there's nothing left for me right here"