Full Intentions

So, I had every intention of coming home and writing a blog full of complaining and venting and hating upon ppl, society, and myself. Then on the drive home I really started thinking about what I was going to write about and I realized that there really wasn't a specific person I could hate upon or a person that I could direct my fury upon. It's just life.

Yes, I may not be happy with it, but it's not my fault. I just have to learn how to accept. Acceptance is something I'm not good at. Not when it comes to myself. Never when it comes to myself.

Firstly, I have to accept that who I am with what I've accomplished. I don't have anything to really 'brag' about that will impress people. For example, if mentioned that I have a Bachelors in Mathematics, that's met with a bit of silence, while if other people mention certificates that they've received they get a much more jovial response. I don't really find it fair, but it's life.

Secondly, I have to come to accept that I'm very much like the center of a wheel as apposed to the spoke. I suppose there isn't anything wrong with this, it's just disappointing. I always seem to be introducing people and something special comes out of it. It just never happens to me, and perhaps it's jealously, but it is what it is.

I think that a lot of whom I am most people don't understand. Before you go off on me about being emo I digress. If you know who I am, you know I'm one of the happiest people alive at most times. It's just that I tend to be interested in things that the general population not only doesn't understand but doesn't like. Just look at the Mathematics side of things. Bring up math and you get lots of reactions but most are anything near to joy. Yet math is a crucial part of my life. Then in America, soccer is much the same way. So two of my three passions in life tend to be misunderstood. Add on top of this the fact that I don't watch TV or movies really, and I'm a bit weird and most people really don't understand me. Maybe this is why I am shy? Maybe this is why I don't make conversation? I love making conversation if it's something I know about, but lots of people like talking movies or TV shows or Football (American) ect ect...and I know next to nothing about those, so I don't like meeting new people.

So maybe that's why I find it hard to make friends? Or to find that special someone? I don't know. There is that special someone I know right now, but I really don't know if I should ask. Another thing right there, I think far to much. But alas...such is life.

Another thing. I think I consider friendships to be something deeper than they tend to be. I'm not sure how to explain it properly, but once I get close to you I will never turn my back, no matter what you do to me. I will always be there for you. Yet I don't know how many friends I have of the same caliber. I don't even know if I have any that reach that caliber. No, I know I have a few, but I would literally do it for any of my friends.

But alas, I must try to sleep. It is 4 am and I need to get up tomorrow. Maybe this will all make more sense in the morning? Till then...I leave you with the words of Scene Aesthetic... "walking on my way paradise. cause i know there's nothing left for me right here"

Song of the Ages

Sometimes we fall down and can't get back up

We're hiding behind skin that's too tough

How come we don't say I love you enough

Till it's too late, it's not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come

We could make a feast from these crumbs

And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun

So if your life flashed before you, what would you wish you would've done it…

[Chorus]

Yeah, gotta start

Looking at the hand of the time we've been given here

This is all we got and we gotta start thinkin' it

Every second counts on a clock that's tickin'

Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86 400 seconds in a day

To turn it all around or throw it all away

We gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say,

Gotta live like we're dying

And if you plane fell out of the skies

Who would you call with your last goodbyes

Should be so careful who we live out of our lives

So when we long for absolution, there'll be no one on the line

You never know a good thing until it's gone

You never see a crash until it's head on

All these people right when we're dead wrong,

You never know a good thing till it's gone

-Kris Allen

This song is brilliant. Hands down, top 3 songs lyrically that I have ever heard. But it’s really got me to stop and think about everything. Just listen to the song and try to answer the questions that he poses towards you. It has single handedly inspired me to actually start living the way I have been striving too. So I’m going to break the song down for how it touches me. Of course you could look at the song as if it’s a love song, but I’m not going to touch that. It’s a bit cliché and it’s not how it really struck me.

“Sometimes we fall down and can't get back up

We're hiding behind skin that's too tough

How come we don't say I love you enough

Till it's too late, it's not too late”

--This totally applies to my soccer endeavors currently. Not just the fact that I didn’t make the Galaxy but the fact that I let myself slip out of prime shape and had to pull myself back up to get into shape. That very last line is giving hope that it is never to late to change anything.

“Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come

We could make a feast from these crumbs

And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun

So if your life flashed before you, what would you wish you would've done it…”

--I take this as a personal strike against daydreaming. It’s great to daydream, but sometimes you have to just look up and realize what you have is fantastic and you can make something even better out of what you already currently have. Sometimes we’re really just committing our own suicide with life in general. We’re too busy scared to take a chance and yet if everything flashed before your eyes wouldn’t you regret not doing it? Be it asking that girl on a date, or going for that soccer tryout, or recording that demo disk. Go for it and don’t hinder yourself.

“And if you plane fell out of the skies

Who would you call with your last goodbyes

Should be so careful who we live out of our lives

So when we long for absolution, there'll be no one on the line”

--This is totally showing that you should NEVER take someone for granted and that you need to tell him or her what they mean to you. No one’s going to be perfect but they can still mean the world to you.

“You never know a good thing until it's gone

You never see a crash until it's head on

All these people right when we're dead wrong,

You never know a good thing till it's gone”

--This is really cliché but very true. Humans in general just assume everything is going to go their way, and get melancholy with everything. Then something sudden happens and takes that all away. You really must never get lazy with life, and should enjoy every moment. It’s all a gift from God after all.

“[Chorus]

Yeah, gotta start

Looking at the hand of the time we've been given here

This is all we got and we gotta start thinkin' it

Every second counts on a clock that's tickin'

Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86 400 seconds in a day

To turn it all around or throw it all away

We gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say,

Gotta live like we're dying”

--This is really quite a brilliant chorus. Written the way a chorus is supposed. It backs up ALL previous ideas without repeating exact wording. I have to admit it’s sums everything up perfectly.

I think this song may go down as my theme song for my life now. I’m going to strive to always remember this and live the way he suggests. I have much more I could write, but I work in 6 hours and need sleep so I may add more later J

~Chris